in training

not there yet...

a bodhisattva in training not a buddha

devotee clearly not a guru

a disciple not a christ

not as pure as i once was or will be again

i still hold onto so much that is mundane

i have released the ability to truly experience anger

i know longer have a pain body for i choose not to ground the pain

so i guess those two things are quite big steps but so much more climbing to do

and i will climb

higher and higher until i am lost in sky

until my wings are all that keep me afloat

until flight is unconscious and easy

meanwhile i enjoy the journey

even the disappointments along the way

they are my greatest teachers

so many things as of late would have sent me drowning in the well of self - pity and misery not too long ago

i would have continued to drown in the bottle and get lost in the smoke and fog of uncertainty

but all that is happening is the understanding of who i once was is no longer

yet i still must release myself from those who have an unhealthy hold upon my soul

for things and people are never as they seem

and sometimes we must love from afar to keep our hearts in heartbeat shape

to keep our souls agape

one day soon i will be able to accept all that are as is

i will only feel love compassion and understanding for all that crosses my path

everyday i work towards the goal of being un-conditioned and un-conditional

for now i feel a bit lost and confused

i feel sad and slightly abused

i must look at what i have allowed in my life

i must look at me

i must face alone all my demons and insecurities and get myself in check

100% mind-body-spirit-soul connection is the goal

and somethings must be done alone

as always i will be the higher self and i will get past this fall

i heal much quicker minus scarrs after all

i am the only answer

it's a long fall from the pedestal you put me on

it's a long haul from the pedestal from which you fall

don't want to be expected just accepted... don't we all

in training to be the highest self

for now i can only remove myself from that which might create negativity

from the red flags and running through the red lights

right now i can only live moment to moment in hopes of continued sanity

i can only ask the higher powers to be my guide and walk by my side through this trial of tribulation

i am love

i am light

and soon i will be forgiveness

soon i will be unconditional love

i am one step closer to free

3.30.09